🔗 Share this article

I have been close companions for more than 20 years, who has faced and conquered numerous challenges, her resilience is commendable. However, she has been often caught off guard by others. Her husband ended their marriage, which came as a massive blow. A lot of her social circle disappeared during that time, since they had been only interested in the spouse. This surprised her deeply. She put in more effort to be my friend, probably understood more acutely the meaning of companionship.

A Recurring Theme With Friends Drifting Away

Throughout this period, quite a few of her friends vanished without her being certain of the reason. Her previous job turned on her, even though she was very skilled at her work, and she left unaware of what had changed.

Present Situation

Lately, we have each stepped back from work leading to more frequent meetups, but I am finding the part I play in the relationship is to listen. I introduce topics of conversation and she changes conversation onto things she cares about. In terms of politics, she holds firm beliefs. My effort is to recommend double-checking information or other angles.

She is organizing a holiday abroad I have traveled to repeatedly and resided in previously. I attempted to offer advice, but this was not welcomed. She purely just desired my agreement with her decisions. I recently come back from 30 days in that country and she wants to catch up, but I don't.

Considering the Choices

I hesitate to act as a friend that walks away without explanation, but I don't think she'll truly understand the consequences of her actions on my self-esteem. Currently, I find myself in avoidance mode. What should I do?

Ways Forward

It's possible to end things abruptly, however, that approach is seldom the easy answer we hope for. Yet having a direct talk with the goal of a solution requires bravery and willingness from both people.

Professional advice indicates applying a useful conflict resolution tool:

"Initially involves describing what typically happens when you talk. Aim for this to be based on facts and essentially an unbiased account. Step two involves sharing the way it affects you emotionally. Ideally, there's no disagreement on this point. Emotions are valid, after all. The third step is to question ways you together going to change the pattern of your friendship."

Keep in mind she too has her own side, thus requiring you to remain ready to hear that. One effective method is to say to the other person:

"It's your turn to speak and I promise to listen without interrupting for a set time."

It's wildly effective for promoting understanding.

Closing Considerations

She may dismiss everything, since certain individuals cling to a “survival narrative”: they maintain a story about themselves they cannot abandon since their identity relies on it and it's all they trust. This is difficult because there's no clear path here, just dead ends. However, she might at first react like this then consider your perspective. If you don't achieve a resolution, you'll have peace from having been open and direct.